Bad Boy 101
by Cao Cao Cao
Summary: check inside for full summary
1. Chapter 1: Wussies Suck!

Summary: A.U. (Does not follow the OOTP) Set on the 6th year at Hog warts. Cho and Harry have been dating for a year now. During their anniversary date, Harry notices that Cho has been acting more distant than usual. When he asks her what's wrong, she just shakes her head and says nothing. Harry, thinking something was wrong, does a reconnaissance mission and snoops on Cho. When he finds out that she's tired of Harry being goodie-two-shoes, he decides to change his image. The problem is, he doesn't know how to be bad, even if he tried. Desperate, he seeks the help of Hogwart's resident "Bad Boy," none other than Draco Malfoy himself! Will Harry survive Draco's lessons? Will Draco get bored with Harry and turn him to a toad? What happens when the virgin Ron decides to join them for lessons? Find out!

Category: Humor/Romance

Pairings: Harry/Cho, Ron/Various, Draco/Hermione, and hints on other various pairings.

Rating: PG-13 on early chapters….then moving to R on later chapters.

Chapter One: Wussies Suck!

Harry woke up that day feeling very refreshed. Spring is in the air: the flowers are blooming, a gentle breeze is blowing, and bunnies and other cute animals are frolicking. "Yep, this is promising to be a very good day!" thought Harry. He got dressed and headed to the Great Hall for breakfast in a very cheerful manner, very unlike him, ever since he saw Voldemort rise from the dead. Harry joins his Gryffindor friends at their table, sitting in his usual seat, between his best friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, and started his break fast.

"Morning, mate!" mumbled Ron through a mouth full of eggs and toast.

"Morning. How are you today, good buddy 'ol Ron?" Harry greeted back enthusiastically, putting a friendly arm on Ron's shoulder. Ron looked at him weirdly, as if Harry just sprouted a second head or something.

"Wow, someone's very cheerful today! What's up with you, Harry" joined Hermione.

"Oh, same old, same old, Hermione! It's just that---" chirped Harry, while buttering his toast.

"What's up with Harry? Why is he grinning like a loony?" interrupted Fred Weasley, setting down his tray and joined the trio. His twin brother George did the same.

"As I was saying, it's just that today is my one year anniversary with Cho." Harry answered. His friends clapped and congratulated him, making Harry blush.

"Ah, well then Harry, you're in luck! We are allowed to visit Hogsmeade today! You can take Cho out for a special date! That would be so romantic," gushed Hermione.

"Speaking of Cho, here she comes now." Ron nudged Harry, who looked at the entrance of the Great Hall. However, Cho was not as cheerful as Harry today. In fact, she looked rather glum. Harry called her name and waved at her, while Cho waved back, albeit not as enthusiastically as Harry did.

"What's wrong with your 'ho?" mumbled Ron, mouth still full. This earned him a smack upside the head from Hermione.

"Bah, she's probably just nervous about her special date with Harry. You know how women get!" George answered. Hermione too gave him a slap upside the head.

"For your information, you insensitive pricks, Cho doesn't know about the date yet. I just suggested it today!" Hermione said indignantly. Harry nodded in agreement.

"Yes. I still haven't told her. Would you guys mind helping me plan---"

Before Harry finished his sentence, the Great Hall's doors slammed open. Standing at the entrance was none other than Draco Malfoy, flanked as usual by his two cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. "Oh great, there goes a perfect day!" thought Harry. The Slytherin trio walked towards the Gryffindor table.

"Potty. Weasels. Mudblood." Draco greeted each of them with a condescending nod as he passed.

"Hey Malfoy! Isn't the Slytherin table over there? What's the matter, hung out with Crabbe and Goyle for so long you're starting to lose your sense of direction?" teased Ron, while pointing at the Slytherin table, two tables across the Gryffindor one. The Gryffindor table let out a fit of giggles. This caused Draco to stop and turn around, but instead of snapping at Ron like he usually did when insulted, he just smirked.

"On the contrary, Weasel, I'm just here to claim a piece of Gryffindor ass to warm my bed tonight. Something you've obviously never managed to do." He drawled, then turned around to continue walking, causing his robes to flick with an elegant flourish behind him. The Great Hall echoed with "OOOOH's," especially from the girl students.

"Ouch! You must give it to Malfoy; he does know how to strike the right nerves! I do believe that he just ripped Ron a new one!" whispered Fred to George, while pointing at their little brother. Ron, having no witty comebacks on hand, just fumed and turned red as a tomato.

The Gryffindors watched as Draco Malfoy sauntered to his destination. He stopped behind Parvati Patil, hands down the most beautiful Gryffindor currently in school, and put his arms around her waist, then put his lips close to her ears sensually and whispered something. Harry, having a more sensitive hearing than his peers, was the only one who heard what Draco had whispered, aside from Parvati, who is now blushing like crazy as Draco slyly gave her a farewell grope on her ample breasts. Draco then walked away and gave a sexy wink, which Harry traced, was aimed at Hermione.

"Did you see what that brazen git did? He just groped Parvati in the breasts, acting like he does it everyday!" Ron stuttered angrily.

"And she didn't even slap him! Or even told him off!" complained Fred.

"That's nothing. You should've heard what he whispered to her." Harry muttered, while helping himself to some bacon and eggs. His friends looked at him in surprise.

"Well? What did he say to her?" asked Ron impatiently.

"Something like 'Look for me in in the dungeons. Don't wear any knickers.' Then he said something about having a 'ménage a trois' with Padma tonight." Harry shrugged. The Weasley brothers looked at Harry wide-eyed, and then looked towards the Slytherin table at Draco, who looked back at them smugly. He even wiggled his eyebrows as if to say "Beat that!" Hermione shocked and blushing red at Harry's revelation, finished her breakfast quickly and headed for the dorms.

"Hey! We're supposed to go to Hogsmeade today! Don't be late!" Ron yelled at Hermione, confused at what's up with Hermione and still fuming about Draco's affront to his masculinity at the same time.

An hour later, the Hogwart's students are filing in lines at the school's courtyard, waiting to check out with Filch to leave for Hogsmeade. Ron looked at Draco with envy; he was rarely seen not surrounded by girls ever since their third year. Draco, sensing them staring at him, even showed off and kneaded a fourth year Hufflepuff's rear as he hugged her close to him. Harry, on the other hand, remained unaffected. "Cho is all I need," he thought to himself. But he couldn't help but wish he could grope Cho like that in front of everyone. Hermione, who ran up to join them, looking flushed and winded, interrupted his thoughts.

"Where have you been? We almost left without you!" asked Ron, still fuming about Draco.

"None of your business." Hermione quipped, trying to straighten out her rumpled-looking clothing. Harry just raised an eyebrow at her. "I hope she washed her hands!" he sniggered in his thoughts.

"So, uhmm, 'Mione? Do you mind helping me plan something for my date with Cho?" Harry asked, somewhat embarrassed.

"Oh, don't worry too much, Harry. You've only been dating for a year, not married for a year. Just take her to the place where you two first dated. She will find it sweet that you remembered," she patted him reassuringly on the back.

"So, what are you guys doing while I'm on my date?"

"Don't worry about us, Harry. Ron and I will be hanging out at the Three Broomsticks, if you need us."

Soon, most of the students are in Hogsmeade. Since it is spring, almost everyone was paired up into couples. In the Three Broomsticks, Ron can't help but notice that everyone inside was on a date. There was Fred with Alicia Spinnet. Then George is making out with Angelina Johnson. Even Ginny Weasley, his little sister, was on a date with Blaise Zabini. Ron couldn't help but glance at Hermione, who was busy reading a book next to him.

"Spring sucks!" Muttered Ron, as he laid his head tiredly on the table.

"Then get a date." Said Hermione, still reading the book, entitled "_Bad Wizards and the Good Witches Who Love Them_." She took a sip of her butterbeer without taking her eyes off the book.

"This is injustice! Even Crabbe and Goyle have dates!" Ron despaired, pointing at the table where Crabbe and Goyle are having a double date with Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bullstrode.

"Then get a date!" Hermione hissed under her breath, somewhat annoyed.

"Will you go out with me then?" asked Ron, looking hopeful.

"No." Hermione answered.

"Why?"

"You're not dark enough."

"Not dark enough?"

"Yes, I like dark, mysterious bad boys," she emphasized by pointing on the title of her book. "That's why I only went out with Viktor Krum and Blaise Zabini." Ron's eyes widened at this revelation.

"You mean you'll only go out with me if I'm an Voldemort-worshipping asshole?"

"Not necessarily an asshole. You're just, I don't know, too prudish for my tastes."

"What about Harry?"

"Please, you two are like peas in a pod."

"Well, it's official. I'm the biggest loser in Hogwart's history," Ron sighed. Hermione patted him on the head.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Hogsmeade, in Madam Puddifoot's Coffee Shop, Harry and Cho are finishing their desserts. Harry was blabbing on about his recent Qudditch match, while Cho was poking on her Crème Brulé while gazing longingly outside the window. A flower vendor passed by their table, and Harry, thinking Cho wanted flowers, brought Cho a dozen long stemmed roses and gave the vendor an extra galleon for a tip. Cho smiled at him in thanks, but couldn't help but sigh when she saw the same vendor pass Draco Malfoy's table; Draco, instead of buying the roses and giving extra tips, flicked his wand and lifted 2 dozens of roses and gave them to the giggling Padma and Parvati Patil, who didn't seem to mind his blatant thievery. Harry saw this too, and couldn't help but state his disgust for Draco at Cho.

"Show off. Why does he have to do that? His family is rich!" Harry muttered irritably.

"Simply because he can," sighed Cho, still looking at Draco. Harry followed her gaze at the Slytherin.

"So, uhmm, do you like the git? Draco, I mean," Harry moped.

"No. It's not that," Cho tried to reassure Harry.

"Then what is it then? You're acting like you're not happy to be with me at all. In fact, I noticed that you've done nothing but stare at that slimy git all day!" yelled Harry, causing several of the coffee shops patrons to stare at him. Draco even raised an eyebrow at his direction.

"Look, it's nothing, okay? I'm just tired. Can't we just go back to Hogwart's, please? I'll see you when I'm feeling better," Cho whispered soothingly, trying to calm Harry down.

"Sure. Go ahead. Just let me stay here and apologize to Madam Puddifoot. I'll see you at dinner, okay?" Harry conceded, albeit somewhat reluctantly.

"Okay love. I'll see you at dinner." Cho then stood up and gave Harry a kiss, then left the shop. Harry stayed and finished his dessert, while looking furiously at Draco, who is now whispering to the Patil twins, making them giggle. When he finished, Harry paid the bill and apologizes to Madam Puddifoot for the disturbance. As he passed Draco on the way to the door, Draco grabbed his arm and stopped him.

"What's wrong, Potter? Your chick dump you?" he asked.

"None of your business, Malfoy, now let me go!"

"Tch! Such temper. Honestly Potter, you shouldn't yell at girls. It's not very---nice."

"And who are you to tell me about being nice, Malfoy?"

"Common courtesy. But suit yourself. Just don't be too surprised when you see Cho on my bed. Have a good day, Potter."

It took all of Harry's self-control not to punch Draco. They are, after all, in front of women. And fighting in front of women goes against Harry's moral code.

"You're lucky, Malfoy, that I don't like to fight in front of women. Just pray that I don't catch you alone or I will personally rearrange that pretty face of yours," he hissed at Draco.

"OOOOH! I'm shaking, Potter. Really!" Draco mocked.

Harry, too angry to deal with Draco right now, decided to leave and head for the Three Broomsticks. As he left, Draco turned back to the Patil twins.

"See? I told you he's a wuss," he drawled, causing the twins to giggle.

In the Three Broomsticks, Harry sat down dejectedly on Ron and Hermione's table and moped. He's trying to think about what's up with Cho, but Draco's words kept interrupting his thoughts: "(Draco's voice) Just don't be too surprised when you see Cho on my bed." Harry chugged his butterbeer in one gulp and slammed the bottle on the table, alarming Hermione and waking up Ron.

"What's wrong, mate?" Ron asked groggily.

"How did your date with Cho go?" added Hermione, who finally put her book aside.

"Just peachy. Until that slimy git Malfoy showed up!" Harry muttered, chugging his second butterbeer.

"Why? What happened?" asked Hermione.

"I don't want to talk about it. I just want to find out what's wrong with Cho."

"Uhmm, Ron? Could you leave us for a moment?" requested Hermione at the confused Ron.

"Okay. I'm heading back to Hogwart's anyway. See you two at dinner." Ron stood up and left.

"So, do you really want to find out if something is wrong with Cho?" continued Hermione.

"Yes. I would give my Firebolt to know what's up. Why do you women have to be so damn complicated?"

"I know that's the butterbeer talking, so I'm going to let that go. Well, if you really want to know, then go to the Astronomy Tower, in the Astronomy Classroom, after dinner. Oh, and put on your Invisibility Cloak."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Shut up and do it. You'll see. Now let's go back to Hogwart's."

After dinner at Hogwart's, Harry returned to the Gryffindor dorms to retrieve his Invisibility Cloak. When Ron asked him what's up, Harry lied and told him he had to take back something to the library. Once out of the dorms, Harry put on his cloak and headed for the Astronomy Tower. When he got there, he was a little confused at what he saw. There, in the classroom, are various girls in their pajamas. Hermione was there, and so is Cho, along with Ginny, the Patil twins, Luna Lovegood, and other girls from various houses having a conversation. Harry sat down on the floor; close enough to hear, but far enough not to be felt by the girls.

"The meeting of the Hogwart's Pajama Club is now in session," announced Hermione. "The topic for tonight is "Bad Wizards and the Good Witches Who Love Them."

"So, Ginny, what's its like dating Blaise Zabini?" asked a Ravenclaw girl.

"Well, he's very cultured, well groomed, a perfect gentleman, but has a wild streak," answered Ginny, blushing.

"What did you guys do today?" asked Luna Lovegood.

"We started with light brunch on the Three Broomsticks. Then we walked around and shopped."

"Oh, how romantic! What did you do next?" goaded Luna, with a knowing tone on her voice.

"Don't tell my brothers, okay? Me and Blaise had wild monkey sex on the Shrieking Shack!" squealed Ginny. The girls let out excited squeals themselves, and Harry's jaw almost hit the floor. "Is this really Ginny? The same shy Ginny Weasley who had a crush on me? It's not possible!" Harry thought. After a while, the girls settled down and moved on to the Patil twins.

"Parvati. Padma. I heard you guys were with Draco Malfoy today," asked Hermione.

"Yes, we were," answered Padma.

"So? Spill already!" Hermione commanded impatiently.

"You know what Draco did to me this morning, right?" asked Parvati. The girls all nodded in affirmation. "Well, he told me to meet him in the dungeons and not wear any knickers. I did just that."

"What happened next?" A cute Hufflepuff girl asked excitedly.

"You know how Professor Snape is away on vacation? Well, since Draco is a Slytherin Prefect, Snape entrusted him with the keys to all of the rooms in the Slytherin Wing, including the Potions Lab. Long story short, we had sex---right on Professor Snape's desk!" squealed Parvati. The girls swooned and expressed their envy at Parvati.

"Oh, and it gets better. Later tonight, we are joining Draco---in Professor Snape's personal chambers!" added Padma. The girls squealed again and asked for details, making Harry cover his ears. "Oh my god! I just got a mental image of Malfoy doing those things! Ugh! Get out of my head!" Harry winced as he thought. Soon, the girls calmed down again and turned to Cho.

"So Cho, tell us about Harry," asked Ginny.

"Harry is okay, I guess. He's very cute, sweet, charming, and sometimes funny, but---"

"But what?" interrupted Parvati.

"Well, he can be boring sometimes," finished Cho. Harry couldn't believe his ears. Cho thinks he's boring? He listened more intently. "Look, I love Harry and all, but I sometimes wish he would do something exciting, like he does in his adventures! For someone who defeated Voldemort, Harry's idea of fun is to talk about Quidditch. If I wanted to talk about Quidditch all the time, I would have gone out with Ron Weasley!"

"That's so true!" added Parvati. "I remember when he asked me out on the Yule Ball before the Triwizard Tournament. He just danced with me one time then ignored me completely and spent the whole evening talking to Ron! Honestly, he should have his title changed from The-Boy-Who-Lived to The-Boy-Who-Needs-To-Get-A-Life."

Harry couldn't believe his ears. Is he really such a boring person? He felt conflicted; on one hand, he found out that Cho really loved him, not that git Draco. On the other hand, she thinks he's boring. He doesn't know whether to jump with joy or mope. He listened attentively as Cho added more grievances about him. He found out that on top of being a bore, he's also a prude, and only ranked an "average" when it comes to lovemaking. "Oh my god! I am a wuss!" Harry deduced. Harry then made up his mind: for the sake of his relationship with Cho, he will try to change a little. The problem is he doesn't know how. An hour later, the girl's meeting is almost coming to an end.

"So, in general consensus, the Hogwart's Pajama Club have decided unanimously that bad boys are preferable to good boys," Hermione dictated to the Club secretary, Ginny Weasley. "We will now adjourn the meeting with our traditional 'Top Ten Most Desirable Men in Hogwart's Poll.' Let's see. Ronald Weasley is Number 10. Followed by Professor Flitwick at Number 9. Seamus Finnegan at Number 8. Dobby at Number 7? Alright, who put this here?" asked Hermione. 

A female house elf raised her hand shyly. "Okay, Winky. Dobby at Number 7 it is," Hermione continued. "Fred Weasley at Number 6, and George Weasley at Number 5. Honestly, how can you tell the difference? Harry Potter at Number 4. Blaise Zabini at Number 3. Professor Snape at Number 2. And finally, Draco Malfoy at Number 1! That's it. Meeting adjourned!"

A round of applause signified the end of the meeting. Harry Potter felt depressed as he exited the classroom. "I am below three Slytherins in the poll? That's injustice! I'm Harry-f*cking-Potter, for Merlin's sakes!" Harry thought, angrily. He made his way back to the Gryffindor Common Room, where Hermione was waiting for him.

"So? Learn anything useful?" asked Hermione. Harry tried to ignore her. "Oh come on, its not that bad. You could've been Ron. Poor guy, outranked by a goblin professor and a house elf," she joked.

"Yes. Although I could've done without learning about Draco having sex in Potions. Or Ginny having sex with Blaise at the Shrieking Shack. Excuse me, while I go throw up my dinner," stated Harry huffily as he tried to storm up to his dorm. Hermione stopped him.

"Look, I'm sorry you had to find out this way Harry. But I will try whatever it takes to save your relationship with Cho. What would you like me to do?" Hermione requested. Harry softened a little; he couldn't stay mad for long at Hermione, since she is really his most helpful friend.

"Well, you can teach me how to, you know, be a 'bad boy' like you girls so prefer."

"Oh, I can't help you with that, since I am not obviously a 'boy,' but I know someone who can. Let's wait here, okay?"

They sat by the fire of the Common Room. Hermione told Harry about the history of the Pajama Club, and how long have Cho been having problems with Harry. Harry's head swam with information about this secret world of girls, which steeled his determination to become a bad boy. All Harry can think off right now was who's going to mentor him in the "Ways of the Bad Boy," as Hermione put it. Is it Fred or George Weasley, since they did rather well on the poll? An hour later, they were interrupted by the arrival of Parvati Patil, who looked flushed and tired.

"So, Parvati, how was it?" asked Hermione.

"Oh, it was heaven!" Parvati gushed and continued to her dorm.

"Well, Harry, the person who is helping you is ready now."

"Who? Parvati?" asked Harry.

"No, silly! Just put on your cloak and wait for the person on the Astronomy Tower. This time, go to the balcony, not the classroom. I'm sure you'll find the person to help you in there. Oh, and ditch the cloak once you're in the balcony, so he won't think you were stalking him or something. Good night!"

Before Harry could press for details, Hermione have already shoved him outside the Common Room. He had no choice but to follow Hermione's instructions. He sneaked in the halls back to the Astronomy Tower. When he got to the balcony, he put the Invisibility Cloak under a statue of Uric the Oddball and sat on a nearby stone bench, his back towards the entrance and waited. It was relaxing in the balcony; the skies are clear, the moon is full, and the breeze is soothing. He almost fell asleep when he heard footsteps ascending the Tower. Harry stiffened and waited.

"Please don't be Snape. Please don't be Snape. Please don't be Snape." Harry chanted in a mantra-like manner.

"Potter? What the f*ck are you doing in my sanctuary?" drawled a familiar voice.

Harry stood up and clenched his fists. "Mental Note: Kill Hermione the first chance I get!" he thought. Then he slowly turned around. There, standing in the balcony entrance, was none other than Draco Malfoy, wearing nothing but his boxers and smoking a Muggle cigarette. Draco just grinned, and joined him.


	2. Chapter 2: Welcome to the Brotherhood

A/N: Thank you to all who reviewed. Now to answer some questions/requests:

harry's4me+notu: Don't worry, I'm not turning Harry into a complete dick. I'm just giving him some sort of "edge" since he just can't be bloody good all the time.

Oh, and in case you're wondering why my version of Draco became kind of nice to Harry pretty fast, well, his character is kind of inspired by Xelloss of Slayers fame: while he's still a genuine bastard, he's also quite lovable. He's also partly inspired by Lestat (hence the "being bad makes me feel good" quote in the fic). As for Uric the Oddball, well I first read bout it in one of Cassandra Claire's stories, I forget if he's actually mentioned in the books or not.

Chapter Two: Welcome to the Brotherhood

"What brings you here, Potter? No one but a Malfoy is allowed in this balcony," Draco drawled as he took a drag of his cigarette.

"And why is that? This is Hogwart's! No student can own 'private sanctuaries' here, Malfoy!" fumed Harry.

"Says who? Do you see that statue? That is my grandfather, who funded the building of the entire Astronomy Tower, hence, I own this Tower, and can have a sanctuary in it, whenever I wish. Ask Dumbledore."

"You're related to Uric the Oddball? No wonder you're so weird!"

"Potter, you are lucky that I'm still savoring the afterglow of a wild night of sex, or else I would have thrown you off this balcony already. Sit with me," Draco commanded.

Harry reluctantly did as told. Draco offered him a cigarette, but Harry refused. Draco just chuckled as Harry sat quietly, thinking about what Draco said about savoring the afterglow. "Well, he's not lying. I can smell the Patil twins on him," Harry thought.

"You know those stuff will kill you?" asked Harry, pointing at Malfoy's cigarette.

"Oh please, it only kills Muggles because they're too dumb to use it properly. A Lung-Cleaning charm after smoking will usually take care of all the junk in this cigarette," said Malfoy as he took another drag. Then he turned to Harry again. "Hey, you never did answer my first question: What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you, I guess," grumbled Harry.

"And the reason for that is?"

"I need to ask you a favor."

"Oh, this is RICH! The Golden Boy, Harry Potter, asking me, Draco-fucking-Malfoy, for a favor? Are you on the mickey?"

"Fine! Forget I said anything!" Harry yelled and turned to leave. Draco grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Look, Potter, you honestly have to do something about that funky temper of yours. What kind of favor are you asking of me? Do you need to smuggle illegal goods into Hogwart's? You want me to kill someone for you? Or perhaps it is a favor of a more 'sexual' nature, eh?" Draco drawled with a naughty glint in his eyes.

"Iwantyoutoteachmehowtobeabadboy," Harry mumbled quickly in one breath.

"Slow down, Potter. No one is running after you with a Cruciatus Curse. Unless of course, you just said something that might irritate me."

"I said I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME HOW TO BE A BAD BOY!" Harry shouted.

Silence came after Harry's declaration. After a while, crickets started chirping. Soon, Draco, who is now holding his sides, laughing hard, interrupted the tension. Harry blushed and continued to stand stiffly.

"Let me get this straight---HAHAHAHAHAHA---you, want to become a---HAHAHAHA---BAD BOY?!?!" Draco laughed.

"Yes. Now shut the fuck up!" demanded Harry, who is still red.

"You know, being rude to me is not the best way to get me to help you."

"If I'm nice to you, will you do it then?"

"Why not? This should be fun. The question is, what's in it for me?"

"What do you desire?"

"Well, if you were better looking, I would ask for your virginity, but---"

"I am not giving you my virginity! Besides, I already lost it to Cho!"

"Potter, I said IF YOU WERE BETTER LOOKING! You're about as attractive as Bubutuber Pus to me!"

"What is it then? Galleons? I have about 100 with me right now."

"No. I've already enough money."

"Certainly not my Firebolt! Although I am so desperate, I might agree to part with it."

"Nah. Father already bought me one."

"What is it then?"

"Hermione Granger."

"What? I can't give you Hermione! She's not even mine to give!"

"Are you always this dense? I'm asking for your permission to date her!"

"Well, it's not exactly up to me, you know? You got to ask 'Mione."

"Look Potter, the reason I haven't asked out Granger is because you and Weasel are always hogging her. I will teach you how to become a bad boy if you and Weasel would kindly step aside from Hermione long enough for me to ask her out."

"That's it? That's not too hard. You have a deal!" Harry extended his hand to Draco, who just stared at it with a disgusted look.

"Did you honestly think that I would shake your hand? Please, I'd rather have my hand cut off! Just kindly sign this Unbreakable Pact on this parchment and then I will induct you into the Brotherhood."

Draco waved his wand and dictated the contract. It was written on a parchment by magic as Draco spoke the terms. Draco then handed Harry the parchment and a quill. Harry read the contract thoroughly. Surprisingly, it was airtight, and Draco didn't try to put any fine print or anything underhanded. 

"Uhmm, Draco?"

"What is it now, Potter?"

"This quill doesn't have an ink!"

"Use your blood, you imbecile!"

"Why? Why can't we use normal ink?"

"Because the one who breaches this contract will get a Cruciatus Curse automatically cast on him."

Harry dropped the quill. Is Draco serious? Is he really ready to agree to such a Dark Pact? After careful consideration, Harry picked up the quill and pricked his finger with it. "I would do anything for Cho! Anything!" he thought. Then he proceeded to sign the contract. He handed the parchment and quill back to Draco, who signed it in the same way.

"Well, that takes care of it. Welcome to the Brotherhood, Potter," Draco said smugly.

"The Brotherhood of what?" asked Harry.

"Brotherhood of Young Death Eaters," Draco verified in a cold voice.

"What?!?!?!" O_O

"Just kidding, Potter. You just joined the most elite club in Hogwart's: The Brotherhood of the Satyr. Now, please kindly follow me and I will show you our headquarters."

"One question, Draco?"

"Sure. But hurry up, I'm freezing my ass off!"

"Why Hermione?"

"Why not Hermione? She's smart, she's feisty, and I admit, she's beautiful, although at first she looked like a beaver to me the day I met her."

"You're not going to hurt her, are you?"

"No, unless of course, she's a kinky masochist and asked for it."

"And your other girlfriends? You don't honestly think that 'Mione will go for you if you were still seeing other girls aside from her."

"Don't worry, Potter. I already broke up with all of them."

"Why?"

"Let's put it this way: even bad boys need to settle down once in a while. I think I'm ready for a more meaningful relationship. Random sex might be fun, but ultimately, it's love that what's matters the most."

"Draco?"

"Yes?"

"Are you on the mickey?"

"Oh sod off, Potter! You better not tell anyone about this!"

"I won't. Promise."

"Good. Now shut up and follow me!"

Harry couldn't help but smile as he followed Draco down the Tower. Before this, Harry though of Draco as an obnoxious, pompous git, but now, he's starting to think that Draco may not be so bad a person after all. Draco leads him down to the dungeons, not far from the Potions Lab. Draco stopped before a statue of a drunken satyr and looked back to regard Harry.

"Now, do you swear not to reveal this location to any people not in the Brotherhood?" asked Draco.

"I swear."

"Have you ever had sex?"

"What? What does that have to do with this?"

"It has everything to do with this! You can't enter until you've had sex at least once!"

"Oh. Well then, yes." Harry affirmed, blushing lightly.

"Honestly Potter, I never thought you had it in you. Step back please. _Advocatus Diaboli!_"

The statue started to split open, revealing a long hallway. Harry thought it reminded him of the passage inside the Humpbacked Hag that leads to Honeyduke's. Draco then asked Harry to walk before him."

"Did you remember the password?" asked Draco.

"Yes. _Advocatus Diaboli_, right?"

"Good. Now keep going until you see the main door."

Harry did just that. But halfway through the hallway, Draco stopped him.

"Damn it, Potter, I was hoping not to give you your first lesson until tomorrow, but I can't help but see that you need it badly now."

"What? What did I do wrong?"

"You're walk."

"My walk? What's wrong with my walk?"

"For one, you walk like a drunken crab sodomized by a troll."

"Ouch! Is my walk really that bad?"

"Yes. You see, bad boys do not walk erratically. They walk with purpose, and damn those who stand in their way. They also do it standing proud, not slouching their shoulders and dragging the soles of their feet to the ground like a common peasant. Watch closely, if you please…"

Draco then proceeded to demonstrate. Harry couldn't help but to admit that Draco did have impeccable poise and air of nobility about him. When it was his turn to imitate, Harry did okay, though not up to Draco's standards.

"Good, Potter, but you'll have to work on it. From now on, I do not want to see you slouching, dragging your feet, and making way for people when you walk, okay?"

"What, are you going to be grading me on this or something?"

"No. But I figure you'd do as I say if you want to succeed. I could care less if you pass or fail. Now walk with attitude, Potter! You are the Golden Boy! No one is better than you, except me of course, but I digress. Attitude! Attitude!" Draco encouraged Harry as he walked. By the time they reached the end of the hall, Harry is now walking suavely.

"How's that?" Harry asked Draco tentatively.

"Better, Potter, much better. You could have been mistaken for a Malfoy, if the onlookers have never seen one, of course."

"You're a lousy motivator, you know that?"

"Why thank you. But you have to admit, I'm a great teacher."

"Yes. I agree."

"Give yourself some credit. You really are a fast learner, as Lupin has told me."

"You knew Professor Lupin? And you talked to him?"

"Of course! He's in the Brotherhood too!"

Harry's heart lightened upon hearing Lupin is in the Brotherhood. He was very worried that this club might be full of Death Eaters and their progeny or something. They stood before a Great Door, made of gold and dark wood, carved with a relief of satyrs frolicking with beautiful nymphs. The door the spoke in a booming voice.

"Name?" asked the door.

"Draco Malfoy. Open, you odious monstrosity!"

The door opened and let Draco in. Before Harry could enter, the door closed and asked his name.

"Name?" asked the door.

"Harry Potter, sir. Open, please."

The door remained closed. Harry repeated his request, and the door refused to budge. Harry was about to try again, until the door swung open and Draco emerged.

"What the hell is taking you so long, Potter?" yelled Draco, getting annoyed.

"It won't open when I asked it to!"

"That's because you asked nicely! You have to insult it! You can't be a bad boy if you are so damn polite! Try again!"

Harry walked towards the closed door. When he is close enough, the door asked for his name again.

"Name?"

"Harry Potter. Open, you mean door!" The door didn't open.

"Honestly, Potter, is that the best you can do? Try again!"

"Name?"

"Harry Potter. Open, you SHIT-COLORED, SON OF A MONKEY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER!"

The door swung open so violently, the ground shook. Draco stood staring at Harry, wide-eyed and mouth open. Harry was huffing and puffing angrily as he and Draco entered.

"Uhmm, Potter? Where did you learn such a colorful vocabulary? O_O" asked Draco, still recovering from shock.

"I don't know. I think it's purely out of pent up aggression, I guess," Harry muttered, somewhat embarrassed.

"I hate to admit it Potter, but it looks like there's hope for you yet. Come here, we'll walk through the Hall of Legends."

Draco led Harry to another long hall. But unlike the hall outside the Great Door, which was completely barren and rough, this interior hall was well decorated: floor to wall carpeting, gold trimmings, gold sconces, and huge portrait frames.

"Draco? What's in the Hall of Legends?" asked Harry.

"Portraits of the members of the Brotherhood who bagged the most sexual partners. The more you get in the sack the further your portrait is in the hall, until it becomes the portrait above the hearth of the headquarters. To be in a portrait, you must have had at least 10 sexual conquests. Come, I'll explain each portrait to you."

Draco then led Harry to the nearest portrait. Harry's eyes bugged out of its socket. It was a portrait of Crabbe and Goyle, who where roughhousing with each other, putting the other in chokeholds. Under the portrait, a plaque was engraved with "Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle: 6."

"Wait a minute! I thought you have to had 10 sexual contest to be in a portrait! They only had six!" complained Harry.

"Yes. But look at those two. Would you believe that between them, six women actually had sex with them? That was such an amazing feat that the Brotherhood decided to immortalize them! It sucks to know that Crabbe and Goyle have had more women than you, huh?"

"Yes. But wait! How current are these counts?"

"Very current. Every time a member of the Brotherhood have had sex, they stand in front their portrait, say the name of their sexual partner, and the number automatically updates. And don't bother lying; made up names do not count. Nor the names of people you forced to have sex with you. The only time the counters stop counting is when you leave Hogwart's or get married. As long as the counter is not sealed by glass, it means it can go up. Right now, only 4 counters remain unsealed: this one, and three others further down the hall."

"Oh. And is my father in anywhere of these portraits?"

"No. However popular your father was on his Hogwart's days, he is but a one-hit wonder, as my father told me. That means he had sex with your mom and your mom alone."

Harry didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. As they walked along the long hall, they passed the portraits of some people that Harry knew and some he didn't. They passed Remus Lupin, who was blushing shyly as a schoolboy, with his sealed counter on the number 20. Harry waved at the portrait and the portrait waved cheerfully back. Then they passed more portraits that did progressively more sexual conquests than Lupin. Harry didn't recognize anyone until Charlie Weasley, whose sealed counter is at number 35. After that, the portrait of Blaise Zabini, who's counter is not yet sealed, is at 40. Then he didn't recognize anyone since him until Bill Weasley, whose sealed counter is at number 50. Draco nudged Harry.

"We call Bill Weasley the 'Bag Barrier.' Few people have gotten pass his mark. Come, I will show you the last 4 portraits."

Harry was quite excited to see whom the last 4 portraits belong to. They reached the first one after Bill Weasley's.

"This is of course, daddy dearest," Draco said proudly.

Harry stood before the portrait of Lucius Malfoy, who's counter is at 70. The portrait sneered at Harry, then looked proudly at Draco. When Harry was about to turn his back, the portrait flipped him the bird, making him turn around and glare at it; the portrait went back to its usual smug demeanor.

"Does you mom know about him being in this club?" Harry asked as they resumed walking.

"Well, yes. But it didn't exactly upset her since my dad never had sex with anyone else after they married. I think it was bullshit, but I would never know if he cheats on mom. Like I said, the counter stops going up after you leave Hogwart's or get married. My dad did both."

They walked for a while until they reached a portrait that made Harry's heart jump with surprise. In the portrait was Sirius Black, who, rather than being portrayed as dirty and disheveled, stood at his very best, before he was sent to Azkaban. Harry looked at his sealed counter: it read 75. Harry gave the portrait a thumbs up sign. The portrait winked backed at him and resumed it's proud posturing.

"Haha. My godfather beat your dad, Draco," boasted Harry proudly.

"Oh, I wouldn't be so smug if I were you," said Draco, with an air of disinterest.

"And why is that?" asked Harry.

"Because you're about to see who outdid your beloved godfather. Say goodbye to your little pride bubble; it's about to be burst. Tada!"

Harry's mouth almost hit the floor. In the portrait before him, a painting of Draco stood and blew a raspberry at him, then it gave a 'victory' sign and resumed to it's preening and posturing. Draco's counter read 98.

"You---you---98 women? O_O" stuttered Harry.

"Well, not exactly 98. Watch." Draco stood in front of his portrait. Harry looked at him intently.

"Parvati Patil and Padma Patil," he yelled in a clear voice. Then he yelled "_Finite Numeram!_"

There was a clicking sound. Then Harry observed the counter changing from 98 to 100. Then he noticed that Draco's counter became permanently sealed by glass, much like Lupin's, Lucius', Bill's, Charlie's, and Sirius' counters.

"Now my bag count is 100. And since I sealed it, it won't go up anymore. Impressed, Potter?" drawled Draco. Harry just stared at the portrait in shock. "Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet, Potter. Wait till you see whose portrait is above the hearth of the headquarters.

They walked on until they reached the end of the hall. Before them was a circular room, full of couches and armchairs, much like the Common Rooms. The room even had a big fireplace. But what set this room apart was that its walls are covered with pages from sex manuals, perhaps centuries old. But what really caught Harry's attention was the huge portrait above the fireplace. It was of Severus Snape.

"Snape? Snape got the highest count?" stuttered Harry.

"Of course! Who were you expecting, Dumbledore? Please! That old fogey hasn't been laid for nearly a century!"

"But how? How did Snape's count get so high? 200! Is that even human? And his counter is not sealed. Does it mean it can go further?""

"Yes, I was impressed at first too. Until I found out that Snape's been adding to his count for the last 15 years since he graduated from Hogwart's!"

"How is that possible? You only get to stay at Hogwart's until you're 17!"

"I know that. But Snape didn't exactly leave Hogwart's now, did he? He's still teaching here. And he never got married, so his counter never stopped. That's why I've decided that's it's futile to try to beat his score. We both only have one year at Hogwart's left, and I'm not planning to teach in this rattrap or stay single for long. So I retired my count at 100. It's not like someone will beat it anytime soon. I'm Draco-fucking-Malfoy, for Merlin's sake! I mean look at me!"

"So that means Hermione will be your last conquest?"

"No, Potter, I would not think of Hermione as a conquest. But yes, she would the last woman I would have in my life if things work out."

"That's so sweet!"

"Oh sod off, Potter! Will you sit down! I need to ask you a few questions."

Harry and Draco sat down on opposite recliners in front of the fireplace, facing each other. Draco flicked his wand and bottles of butterbeer appeared on the table between them.

"So, Potter, for whom are you suffering all this crap for?"

"For Cho. She said I was boring."

"Yes, you are."

"And a prude."

"I agree."

"And average when it comes to love-making."

"Not surprising."

"You're not making me feel better, you know?"

"Am I supposed to?"

"No, but you could at least be sympathetic."

"Sympathy is not in my vocabulary."

"But still-"

"Look, just because I'm teaching you doesn't mean I have to be nice to you all the time."

"Fine. So what's the plan?"

"What plan?"

"For all of these! You know, teaching me how to act like bad boy and all that shit."

"Look, Potter, being a bad boy is not an act. It's an art. Unless you take my lessons seriously, you'll never be one, no matter how hard you try."

"Well, as long as you don't make me worship Voldemort, I'll do as you say."

"Who says I worship Voldemort?"

"Isn't your father a Death Eater?"

"So? What does it have to do with me? Potter, I am not bad for the sake of being bad. I am bad because it makes me feel so good."

"You lost me."

"No surprise there. Your mind is the shallowest I've ever seen, and that's saying something since I hang out with Crabbe and Goyle."

"Well, do you at least have lesson plans?"

"I figure we should start with your mannerisms and habits to make you 'less boring.' Then we should refine your idea of 'fun.' Speaking of which, what do you find fun?"

"Quidditch."

"That's it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"You don't find torture fun? Reckless endangerment fun? Petty crimes fun?"

"Nope."

"Oy! It looks like I have my work cut out for me. Well after I teach yeah about life outside of Quidditch, then we should work on your sexual performance. I will make some adjustments in your techniques to make you above average. Sex with what gender do you prefer? Female? Male?"

"Female of course!"

"A real bad boy would have said 'both.' But hey, to each his own. I will be personally training you in the Art of Lovemaking."

"Ew! That sounded wrong."

"Yes. Believe me Potter; I didn't enjoy saying it either. But trust me, by the time I'm done teaching you, Cho will be screaming your name so loud, it will be heard throughout Hogwart's!"

"As long as you keep your willie away from me, I can't see why I should refuse."

"Potter, please! I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last creature in wizardom I can have sex with. I'd rather have sex with a Muggle."

"Muggles are still humans, you know? They couldn't possibly be that disgusting."

"To me, they are."

"Hermione is Muggle-born, you know?"

"Yes. But she's not a Muggle, she's a Mudblood."

"Would you stop calling her that?"

"Oh please, it's not like she minds. In fact, I personally think that the way 'Mudblood' lusciously flows from my oh-so-sexy lips turns her on."

"You're such a prick, you know that? And here I am, starting to like you?"

"You like me? Don't go gay on me now Potter, although I think you just can't help it."

"You're delusional."

"Oh, am I now? Tell me, who has slept with a total of 100 women, and men, in just 6 years here at Hogwart's?"

"That's not impressive; that makes you a slut!"

"That's 'Mr. Very well-experienced slut' to you, Mr. Average-In-Bed."

"Point."

"Well, Potter, it's getting late. I would give you your next lesson tomorrow, since I already gave you your first one."

"Aww, couldn't you give me anymore?"

"Look, I admire your enthusiasm, but for Merlin's sake, it's two-fucking-thirty in the morning!"

"Okay. Uhmm, Draco?"

"Yes?"

"How do I get back?"

"Well, normally, you would leave via Floo Powder in this fireplace to the fireplace of your Common Room."

"But why didn't we just take Floo to get here in the first place?"

"Tradition, Potter. All members of the club must pay their respects to those whose portraits are hung in the Hall of Legends by walking past them. This is the first of the Brotherhood's Cardinal Rules: long way in, quick way out. If you take the quick way in, you will end up under the lake. In retrospect, I have never encountered a problem about taking the long way out, so you can take advantage of that to practice your walk, while I myself will leave by Floo. Ta!"

"Hey, that's not fair! How come?"

"Hello? I'm an evil bastard?"

"But-"

"Just do as I say, Potter. Start walking! And to make sure you won't turn around and take a shortcut, I will just take this bucket of Floo here with me."

Saying that, Draco stood on the fireplace, taking the bucket of Floo powder with him. All he said was "Slytherin Common Room" and he was gone with a flash, leaving Harry alone. Harry shook his head and started practicing the "Malfoy Walk." Then suddenly, a rather thick tome hit him on the back of his head.

"Oops, I forgot to give you your official Brotherhood of the Satyr Handbook. Read it and learn it by heart." Draco's disembodied head commanded to Harry from the fireplace.

"Did you really have to throw it at my head? That fucking hurt!" yelled Harry back.

"You're right, I could've just handed it to you…but where's the fun in that?" And with that, Draco's image vanished in a puff of green smoke.


End file.
